I'm feeling really tired after leaving SGH today. My mother in law is having a fever and she is crying because she thinks the virus is back to attack her body again. God, if you are listening, please help her and also help us! I really cannot take it anymore.
Everyday, I tried to be positive in many things that I do. I know I was crazy when I told Cindy I can't wait for the weekend to be over so that I can go to work. One day, I asked my pupils, do you like the method that I'm teaching, almost everyone raised their hands. Wow man! I was totally flattered and inspired to pass on more knowledge to them. See, we need both hands to clap. Everyday, I tried to remain healthy, so that I don't miss work. I'm feeling sick to continue imagining my superiors having a bad impression on me because I took so many days of MC last year. I was genuinely sick but who will buy that? No superiors like their workers to take MC. I'll fight on, to remain unsick. I just wish my dizziness don't come back to haunt me. I'm still hyperventilating every night. My beloved doctor Mary told me the reason why that happened is because the stress has bottomed up in my body when I am at rest. These stress were accumulated during the day, when my body is working, these stress are released. But when my body has stopped working, I will start to hyperventilate. In Chinese, I think I'm really "Lao Lu Ming"... I was telling my colleague today that since young, my mind is always thinking about something. I can't clear things off my mind for a moment. Even when I'm enjoying doing something, I can't be focused and will be thinking about things that are important, things that need to be done which I have not done.
You know, every weekend, even though there's football to watch, time to relax, Pro Evo to indulged in, I sometimes do dread it. Going shopping is good, but money really not enough these days. Have to save to go Taiwan with Cindy in June. I do enjoy going shopping with Cindy. I'm not your typical guy. You know this election, I was dying to be on duty so that I can get the allowance. Crazy you may think, but I really need the cash.
Back to the topic of my mother in law. I know how happy she is when I buy food for her to eat. It really makes my day when she said " Marcus, thanks for the food " or when she says " Marcus, thank your Mum for cooking the food ". All I wish is to see her happy. Time has passed by, and she is still stucked in SGH. It's nearly 1 year since she was admitted. How long more, my Lord? During Lent, I learnt about perseverence, about hanging there, about patience. I think I have tried... I have given way to errant and unreasonable drivers on the roads, I have tried to give others the benefit of the doubt and I think I have been very patience with Cindy even though I really hate to drag her to church during the past 2 Sundays. I blamed myself when I can't wake up on Sunday morning to attend church, because I know she doesn't like to attend church on Sunday's evenings. I think I have tried very hard to not lose my cool towards her. I believed I am on the right track to learn how to be patient, not to lose my calm and jump into conclusion. In church, I tried to concentrate on listening to the priest's homily, tried to feel the holy spiril filling me, in simple word, try to be HOLY. Even though I'm still not perfect, I do swear, lose my patience, I tried my best in and out of church to be holy. Sometimes, I wish I have a companion who can attend Novenas with me, attend spiritual talks with me, so that I can be holier. When I looked at the people around me, and even those people in church, I feel so lonely, like I'm fighting this war alone. I need to let go, need to stop thinking why people can't worship God the correct way, stop thinking about how parents are teaching their kids these days. I read in the papers today, where this parent actually allowed his 16year old boy to go clubbing so that he can be exposed to the real world faster. WHAT?! What direction is the world pointing to? I will continue to remain hopeful for the world, one day people will realised the good and ditch the bad.
Wasting too much time blogging again marcus... better stop now. Good nite!
YNWA @ 1:30 AM
