You'll Never Suffer Alone

Friday, October 27, 2006

What's happpening up there?

These 2 weeks have been frustrating for me. I had my panic attacks again. For you out there who don't know what is panic attack, let me enlighten you a bit... first, you feel you are not breathing well, next you feel your heart beating quickly or irregularly, then you feel cold and as you panic, you begin to feel numb, then you feel you are going to die... Very Scary isn't it? Well, I got my first attack back in 2001. It was pretty serious, I was sent to Changi Hospital A & E and at that time, I didn't know what was happening to me until the doctor told me I was hyperventilating and ask me to breathe in, then hold my breath for 10secs and then exhale, thus to revert my breathing to normal.

Last Tue, I was admitted to A & E again. Usually, I will have noticed the sympthoms early and try to relax or take relaxant pill. But this time around, I wasn't having any of the sympthoms. My palms and spine just suddenly felt cold and I wasn't breathing normally. Once again, the feeling of losing my consciousness and dying filled my mind. My sis and mum immediately took me to NUH A & E. It was already 1am. When I was in my sis's car, I was feelnig cold twice and that dying feeling was coming back to haunt me. It was scary. My wife was in Manila and I thought- that's it, she wont get to see me ever again. Scary Scary....

When I finally saw the doctor(waited for almost 40mins!), I was actually breathing better. Sometimes, I really think......must I faint or completely stop breathing to make the medical staffs realize I need immediate attention?? Thank God, I took the relaxant before I left home and it was taking effect in my body. At around 3am, I could breathe more normally and I was discharged.

For the next few days, I was feeling nausea, giddy and breathless. I missed the 4 days of PSLE marking. I was still hoping to find out what questions came out in the papers and also to catch up with some old friends of mine at the marking center. Alas, it was not to be....

Saw the psychiatrist on Thu and told her about my panic attack on Tue. She gave me 3 reasons for the attack - 1. my wife's absence, 2.psle 3.migraine. Well well......I must admit I was worried for my wife when she was in Manila for work, but not until the extend of having a panic attack isn't it? PSLE...oh well, it's over isn't it?! I'm not worried for my pupils anymore! Haha... Migraine? well...maybe, cos' I had that for 3 days. I was told to continue the medicine which she has given me to increase the Serotonin in my brain.

Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu passed... I was still feeling nausea and giddy. Saw a doctor and he told me to reduce the medicine that is suppose to help me get rid of my panic attack cos' he told me the medicine caused side effects, ie. nausea and giddiness. Ok, will just take 1 pill per night and let us see if it really help. Missed 2 weeks of work, it's gonna be tough when I go back to work. My pupils need me. Exams is coming and I'm not around. What will my superiors think of me? What will my pupils' parents think? Oh no, have to not think of those consequences or else panic attacks will start again. Nowadays, I really fear my panic attack will come back. God please have mercy on me, send your graces upon me and I trust you to be with me at all times. Amen.

Marcus XA
YNWA @ 1:24 AM

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